Roots

Who knew going through the motions could be so detrimental? Why is it that I feel like a completely different person but not at all at the same time? I swear I am the same. I swear I am different. But, if it’s change that defines us I am indifferent. My life changes over faster than any Texas season and I can’t find a reason to keep holding on. Why did I take myself off the road I belonged on? If this kind of life is so easy why am I waking up at night from dreams of ending it? Why does my most prized relationship seem like it’s falling right out of flight? Is it me I have to blame? Have I lost at this sub-par, untaught excuse for a “game”? All I know is the depression settles in and life doesn’t seem so great, and as much as I try to be faithful; that never compensates. 

Now, this part is for You, wherever you are. You sharpen me with pain like You always have. A spirit of perseverance always riding on my back. I love you, you know but as hard as I try it’s hard to think You love me, when my home was so broken and I lost my sense of family. But, that’s not your fault is it? We all have the freedom of choice. And, as hard as it is, I choose you and the shadow of the cross. I recognize your place as Lord and Son of the living God and give my life to You.

Now, this part is to you my flower whom I delight in. If “I love you” was ever enough the world wouldn’t be so stuck on trying to itself right. But, I love you and I know with all my heart that you being in my life is right. I could never see my flower taken to live under another’s tree, and that’s why I will always be waiting and waiting and waiting. My feelings for you have in no way lessened. It’s always been “you jump, I jump” since the very beginning. “Chin up” you’ll say when you look to your ceiling, contemplating whether I care about your feelings. I do, I do; a thousand times over. My flower, beautiful and strong, why would I ever let you go? Life isn’t life at all without someone here to love. Just your face alone gets me through these days of work. But, this chapter will end and you’ll see how we are equally yoked. I’ve been losing the battle of fighting for you and the effect is killing me. But, I promise over and over this war is no where close to over. I’ll come back tomorrow, fighting for your heart. Just remind yourself of who you know I am and love me regardless. I’m sorry, forgive me. I have done you wrong. Let me back in.

Remember when I first said I loved you? As we sat on the roots of a tree? I meant it and I mean it now, my heart will always be yours. I have been the witness to a phenomenon not many will see: the joining of two souls literally made for each other by the Creator. I know there are nights when doubt, fear, inconsistency, and reluctance come over you and I. Just know, people go their whole lives looking for what we’ve found and when they find it, let go. I will never let you go, I will never lose a step or a moment. I love you, Abby Caroline, with all the fibers in my bones. “Please put up with me. I will do my best my I’m not too good for grace. All this being said, I love you. I love you with all of me. And I will spend the rest of my life with you. My promise to you: to love you no matter what, through thick and thin, for the rest of my life.”

-AWM

 

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